if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize