just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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