I can't breathe out the right side of my face
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
