Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
