just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
