He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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