he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We need to get me chipped asap
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
