At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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