If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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