There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
