Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
