you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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