Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
