you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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