I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
