Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
4 words: hood of his car
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh god it's open bar.
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