i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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