I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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