You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
