she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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