yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
