She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
