grandma shit on top of the toilet
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
