My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
