dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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