She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
