please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
