im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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