bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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