i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
