Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
