She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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