he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
