I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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