didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
