He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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