I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
