i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
