all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
