Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
