I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
