Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
