people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
