Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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