I got chris browned last night
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
