God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
