is your mom at the bar?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
