I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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