I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
