a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
