I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
