Where is the hickey?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
