Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
