when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can I color on your dick again?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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