He is like the real live version of the state fair..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
