ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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