this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
