it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
