Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
