I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
