Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
