At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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