By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
