Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
