Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
no more duck duck goose at the bar
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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