im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
