I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
