Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize